ARTFUL GATHERINGS

Joyful Angel

No words tonight. I am exhausted after teaching myself new tricks with  my scanner and computer. I still have so much to learn.

Lifes journey

1/30/2007 - 1/31/2007   "Do not worry about what the world wants from you, worry about what makes you become alive. Because what the world needs are people who are more alive, Your real job is to increase the color and zest of your life."  Lawrence Leshan
I started my day this morning by reading the chapter The Role of Disorder in Christina Baldwin book Life's Companion journal writing as a Spiritual Practice.   In this chapter Christina writes about  the "dark night of the soul" in her description she says "dark night is a shattering, confusing, painful experience; it is also an ordinary, to-be-expected part of the spiritual journey." She writes about how disorder in life brings about despair. By living through this despair, we learn to redefine our life goals . We learn to listen to ourselves. Then live the life we are meant to live.
I love this quote   And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.Anais Nin I remember reading these words and thinking this is what I am going to have to do. ( but how?)
What an interesting parallel to what I wrote last year to this year. In some ways these journal entries should be reversed. Last year I had no idea how much chaos would wreak havoc on my daily life. The amount of disorder I would live through or how much despair would control my life.
I had no idea that my notion or vision of my life's foundation would crumble. But it did disintegrate.  I am  now in the process of recognizing and naming my core so I can rebuild my foundation. I am striving, searching and aiming  for more color and zest in all aspects of my life.

I do believe I am breaking open, because I refuse to stay in a tight bud or knot for  one more day.

Searching

1/29/07  I want to discover a deeper spiritual life

Today.........

Creating Angels

1/28/07 "The more materialistic science becomes the more angels shall I paint." Edward Burne-Jones
Today I started working on several angel projects. I have several more ideas swirling around my head. So I thought it best to just work on the preliminary designs on several pieces. I then spent an hour searching the web for the perfect angel image. I fall into this trap often where I keep researching an idea instead of just picking up a pencil and drawing. I call this my over analyzing  mode. It is also where my mind goes when I it does not want to make a decision. I feel like I cannot wrap my brain around an idea so I keep studying, examining, scrutinizing and investigating. There have been ideas that I research write into the ground. I become bored with all my obsessing on the research that I  bury the design idea. I did not want that to happen today. I did my warm ups in my journal. Then I started a collage on canvas and here is the preliminary design...

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Allison is 19 years old today.

Allison was a beautiful baby as you can see in the above pictures with Pat, my Mom and Dad. Yes I was there but I am not that evolved to post those pictures. I cannot believe I have a daughter who is nineteen. Last night we had a lovely dinner at Macaroni Grill and Allison was serenaded Happy Birthday in Italian. After a difficult few days it was a relief to have an enjoyable family dinner. To celebrate a daughter Pat and I are both so proud of. As I was starting to write this post  I was checking out my photos. When I saw this picture from last night I started to laugh. Here is my 71 year old Mother arm wrestling her 17 year old grandson. Look at her strength she is making PJ work if he is going to win. She is not going to loose without a fight. After witnessing this match I realize I owe my Mother a thank you. My strength, spirit, tenacity and sheer willpower I have inherited from her (my sense of humor I inherited from Dad). So thanks Mom for giving me the fortitude to persevere no matter what I may face. I hope I will pass this amazing strength on to my children.

I love you all....

Yesterday in my journal I wrote....

Life is crazy, Life is fu.. up. How did my life become so lonely? When I did I stop trusting people? Friends, family and counselors keep telling me I have to keep going live my own life. How do I smile, laugh, and love when my husband is falling deeper and deeper into despair. What is my role in this equation, is it to sit back and watch the father of my four beautiful children  self destruct.
Please God guide me and keep me safe.
Please God help me to find my place in this world.
Please God I beg you bring me friends.

Thank you to all my beautiful, wonderful and spiritual friends and family. You have all come to my rescue in different and awesome ways. Beautiful posts on blogs asking for prayers, heart warming comments, physically dragging me out of my house for coffee, text messages and phone calls. Today I feel wrapped in your love. You have given me the strength I need to keep moving forward.  I feel I can support Pat for one more day.
Please keep praying for Pat that he beats this beast called depression.

Thank you and I love you all.

Please Pray...

I am, tired, exhausted, emotionally drained and scared to death. I need prayers for my husband Pat. He has been relapsing all week. Here is a good description of what he is fighting...

Although anxiety and depression are regarded as two distinct disorders by psychiatrists, it is quite common to have both at the same time.
Anxiety disorders can take many different forms — including panic attacks, specific phobias, generalized anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder — each with its own distinct set of symptoms.
However, depression is generally categorized by a core set of symptoms, including pervasive sadness, fatigue, irritability, sleep difficulties, decreased interest in usually enjoyable activities and sometimes suicidal thoughts.... same symptoms may be seen with anxiety disorders — with the main feature of anxiety disorders being unreasonable fear and worry. - mayo clinic web site

I do not know how to help him any more. He had a doctors appointment today with his psychiatrist and did not go. The only reason I know this is because the Doctor called the house looking for him. I think he came home at 6:30 P.M.( I was driving Megan to dance) and went straight to bed. He has barely spoken to me since Sunday. I am trying to remain calm because I do not want to frighten the kids.(I am blaming this episode on Pat's back which is truthfully causing him pain). Bless PJ  and Megan they know their Dad is hurting both mentally and physically.
I keep trying to make them laugh.Tonight I went birthday shopping for Allison  who will be 19 on Sunday. I found this $4 jacket.  Megan was worried at first but then decided it could be a fun item of clothing. Of course we had to take pictures. I am not sure how Megan did not end up in this one.
I typically find her picture every where.   Here is what I recently found on my cell phone with the saying "Megan Is amazan". That made me smile.
Please keep Pat and the rest of us in your prayers. Depression is a devastating and horrible disease and I want it eradicated from my house. I would appreciate any advice, guidance, information, directions, words of wisdom etc........but most important please pray.

Have Faith

What is wrong with me today? Justin illustrates how I feel. No please I do not want answers to that question. I know I am feeling extremely sensitive which tends to make me very agitated. I have been putting a great deal more effort into my art work and I am frustrated with the results. I need more direction or a purpose for what I am doing. Here is what I am working on. I am trying to improve my drawing skills but I cannot master faces. Facial features will be the death of me.

Then I  decided  to play with color and shapes with watered down acrylics. In the mist of my internal struggles look at what my dear friend Sue Hood  made for me. It is to remind me to have faith in myself and what I am doing. Please click on her name and visit her website. She makes beautiful jewelry and I am blessed to receive so many lovely gifts from her. I am starting to feel more relaxed. I know the motto I have to make an extreme effort to live everyday keep it........

Life is Real, Life is.....

January 21 - 27, 2007  Take pleasure in the simple things.
1. Reading in front of a roaring fire.
2. Sleeping late because no one has school.
3. Climbing in to my comfortable bed at night with a pile of books.
4. My house filled with the sound of children laughing.
5. Even when the weather is frigid the sky is an amazing blue.
6. Try spending more time being silent and paying attention to the world around me.
7. Reading Hymns to an Unknown God by Sam Keen and enjoying this book.
          "The spiritual mind is always metaphorical. Spiritual thinking is poetic thinking. It's always trying to put a very diaphanous experience into words, realizing all the while that words are inadequate. So if you have an idea of God you think is adequate, it's not. I think we have to trust ourselves in the darkness of not knowing. The God out of which we came and into which we go is an unknown God. It's the luminosity of that darkness and that unknowing that is, I think, the most human — and the most sacred — place of all.
"

Looking back reading these diary entries from last year  I remember feeling overwhelmed by the realities of life. I was very worried about my Mom dealing with life without Dad and PJ trying to make sense of his girlfriend still in coma. I also had to make a decision for Allison what school would she be attending the following Fall. I was having difficulties being patient with my Mom as she continually lamented over her "new" life without her best friend because at the time my marriage was very unstable. I was jealous I wanted my relationship with Pat to mirror her marriage to Dad. I wanted more love and laughter to fill my days not sorrow and desperation. I wanted someone else to make the decisions that were being placed in front of me. I felt I was not strong enough to know right from wrong. Looking back I have learned a lesson. I see now how strong and resilient children are. I found this picture which I took on January 27, 2007. I do not see any of the sadness reflected in my children from the scenarios that I just wrote about. I thank God for their smiles. I know now there was enough love in my house for my children to continue to grow and enjoy their lives. I had to learn as Sam Keen said to trust myself in the darkness of not knowing.
I know now to accept where my life is at any given moment. No I cannot change this moment but I can live in the reality of it. Life is real and life is now. What I want most out of life at this moment for myself and others is more love and more laughter.

Things To Do...

1/18/2007 - 1/20/2007    Things To Do In My Life

1. Attend a workshop at Omega In up state New York.
2. Travel to Italy.
3. Join an evening drawing group.
4 .Find a career which I will exceed.
5. Go horseback riding.
6. Help developmentally challenged individuals.
7. Make a difference in this world.
8. Laugh everyday.
9. Help facilitate joy in everyday life.

1/19/2008 Things To Do In My Life

1. Attend a workshop at Kripalu
2. Travel anywhere, just explore new places.
3. Draw or paint everyday with myself or with a group it does not matter with who just do it.
4. Accept and cherish the career I have at the moment. CEO of the Greene household.
5. I still have desire to spend time with horses.
6. I want to address in more detail some of Allison's diagnosis's and possible explore some possibilities with John Douillard.
7. Live my life truthfully and honestly.
8. Laugh everyday.
9. Live a joyful life.